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A lot of debate in our culture centers around the question of whether
sexuality before marriage makes sense. On one side are the people who
say: “Having sex is wrong before marriage, and anyone who does is going to
hell.”

On the other side are people who want to give kids condoms because
“things happen.” In between are a whole bunch of confused kids and adults who
are in relationships that feel very much like love and want to do the right
thing for the relationship, but who have no idea what that is. What no one
tells them is the practical importance of being friends first.

Many of us know the heady feelings that falling in love brings. Those
who don’t, eagerly anticipate the feelings that falling in love promises—so
much so that their goal is to skip right over to the love part without ever
considering the being friends part.

When God laid down the adultery commandment, He wasn’t just referring
to being faithful to another person. He was also referring to the
importance of being faithful the quest to become our highest selves. Christ’s second
ultimate commandment presupposes this: “Love your neighbor as you love
yourself.” To truly love another, we must first love ourselves, and to
truly love ourselves, we must be willing to forego some short-term pleasure
in order to obtain true and lasting happiness. This is the very idea of
Heaven—a reward in the next life for staying out Satan’s traps in this
one.

One of Satan’s biggest traps is the idea of how we view sex outside of
marriage. Why? Because it inherently links “love” to the act of
breaking us down on our most sacred level. It gives the impression that sex can be
casual, meaningless, when the reality is that sex is the ultimate
expression of who we truly are.

Marianne Williamson in “A Return to Love” says it succinctly: “Anything
that is not love, is fear.” With a person who holds a knife to someone’s
throat, this admonishment is very clear. The person with the knife is obviously
not acting out of love—they are acting out of fear, insecurity, and anger.
The reality is: if this person knew a better way to get what he wanted, he would
choose that option. However, because he doesn’t, he chooses the knife.
He chooses to act out of fear.

As clear as this seems, we fail to see the “love” in a relationship as
that same knife held at our throats. After all, “Love is of God.” So how can
it be used as a means to hurt us—to drag us further away from Him? How?
Because Satan takes fear and calls it love, and because we are so focused on
short-term pleasure, we believe him.

Take for example the young couple newly in the throes of love. When
they look into each other’s eyes, they just know this is going to be for
forever. It feels so good and very often so safe, and what they want to do at
all costs is to hold that person and by extension that feeling. That’s when
Satan smiles and taps one or the other on the shoulder. “You know, if
you really love someone, the way to prove that is to sleep with them.”

Look around. This message is everywhere—billboards, magazines,
television, movies, even in our own friends and family. It does seem that
“everybody’s doing it.” So, to prove his manhood and because he’s been taught to
equate sex with love, the young man looks at his girlfriend, takes her in his
arms, kisses her passionately… Suddenly she freezes, and he backs away in
confusion. “What? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know about this,” she responds.

Hurt and confused he backs further away emotionally and physically.
“Why not? You love me, right?”
Of course, this scenario could be played out in reverse roles just as
easily, but no matter how it’s configured, the message remains the
same: “If you truly love me, prove it.” The next step, which can happen over
minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months or years is this: She begins to
think, “You know, he’s right. He is. I love him. I know I love him, and I
don’t want to lose him. So what am I waiting for? Besides he says he loves
me, and I know we’re going to be together forever, so why am I being such a
little kid about this?”

Let’s stop for a minute and examine the situation to this point. We’ve
got a guy who feels he has to prove something to someone—his buddies, his
girlfriend, himself. And we’ve got a girl who is rationalizing herself
into a bad decision because she’s afraid of losing him (and by extension,
love). He is acting out of fear. She is acting out of fear. They call this
love and then proceed to base a relationship on it when the “it” is really fear.

Down the road let’s say this couple “makes it” and gets married. Anyone
who’s married will tell you that’s not the end of the story—it’s just
the beginning. Enter into the picture kids, a house, bills, jobs, in-laws…
The couple no longer looks like they are hopelessly in love. Other
responsibilities intrude making sex infrequent and not nearly like it
used to be.

Suddenly he’s not home as much as he used to be, and she’s working
later than she used to. This is where the Bible verse: “As you sow, so shall
you reap” begins to play out. He may very well be faithful, but she begins
to think, “I know I don’t look like I did when I was 17, 21, 19. I saw the
way he looked at that girl at the company party the other night. I’ve seen
that look before. I know what it means. And have you noticed, he has been
late a couple nights this week? He said he was stuck in traffic, but…” What
she’s really saying is, “I’m afraid he doesn’t love me anymore, and why would
he? If our love is based on sex, and sex doesn’t happen as often now, maybe
he is looking other places to find the love we used to have.

Can you hear those fears? They didn’t just suddenly decide to show
up—they’ve been masquerading as love for years now just waiting for
their chance.

For his part, the guy notices every time she’s too busy, too tired, too
focused on other things to have sex with him. Maybe he does look around
his office, but even if he doesn’t, he’s thinking: “She doesn’t love me as

much as she used to. If she did, why does she keep rejecting me? She never
did before…” Again, fear—not love—talking.

How does a couple avoid this trap from the beginning? “Just say, ‘No.’”
Right? Or maybe, “It’s worth the wait.” Or maybe, “If you have sex
before marriage, you’re going to go to hell.” All of these are well and good
if they keep a young couple out of the trap except for one thing—they
don’t
fill the vacuum that not having sex seems to create in a relationship.
After all, if you’re not having sex, what other options are out there?

Filling that void will be the subject of “Friends First Part II.”

Copyright 2003 Staci Stallings